clueless phase

I am in a bit of clueless state. There is a saying that 'actions speak louder than words' and I somehow believe in that. We, people tend to show how and what we feel regarding something or someone by our actions. Sometime we tend to fake what we feel by saying those contradict statements which later on we will regret. Not to mention though we lie or not reveal the truth, others will be able to know the real thing from our own actions. For an instance, when we like someone and we deny our feelings to others. Unconsciously, we will be smiling or having a kind of happy face whenever we talk about that someone. Or, when we are talking to that person, without we realize it, we tend to slant our body to that person. On the other hand, if we do not have that special feeling towards them, we might not facing them while talking or we will have those stiff expression or body language.

All these while, I had enough of showing or having those body languages but still not enough or maybe they pretend not to know. Whichever they prefer, I do not know. When we get to know that the person we like so much do not know or never realize our presence, it hurts. But if we are able to get through this phase, worry not, we will be just all right! However, when we are trying our best not to put or have high hopes on them ( though you still have those hopes deep down your heart), it is confusing when they act the other way around. We will have the feelings of uncertainty and again it hurts. While we are trying so hard, they simply give us more and more hopes to look up. Especially when they make us feel special and needed. Or at least, we are the one who feel very special though they never meant to do so.

If I can ever asked you, I would like to ask what do you want from me? Are you testing me or are just fooling around with me? Why did you do this to me? Why did you make me feel so special and important in your life that later on you just laugh at me? What did you think of me? Is there any chances for me to be with you? Is there any empty spaces in your heart that I can fill in the spot? Do I deserve to be treated the way I should be? I do not have any idea of what you are trying to do. I am confuse, really am. After years of not doing so, suddenly you ask me to that thing again. Do you know that it reminds me of those days. The days that I treasure and hoping not to let them slipped away from my memory. However, I want you to really know that I really hope you are happy with your life and hopefully I will happy for you and for myself. It hurts. And, I am tired of this.


p.s: I know that I should be blamed for having all these feelings inside me. I am the one who feel important and special whereas you never feel so. I am sorry!


read more on body language here and here