Saturday, September 4, 2010

The pain in the heart

I am still awake though it is the time that I should be soundly sleeping on the comfortable 'bed'. But, I don't feel like sleeping, yet. It's just that I am feeling heartache at the moment that I cannot let it out. It hurts me whenever I feel this way and I kinda not like it. But again, this is not what I wished for. The feelings will come and go without asking for my permission because absolutely I would not allow them to hurt me over and over again. When it comes to the feelings, I am pretty sure that it is not that easy to be predicted or even to be controlled. Sometimes we can see it coming and we could prepare all the arsenal for it. But, at the other times, we cannot see it coming at all. Not even a glance of it. As for tonight, I was wandering from a blog to another when I encountered this one particular blog. While reading it, I could feel the pain is creeping inside me and its bleeding again. I tried my best and I am still trying. But as saying says time heals, I guess I need lots of time to ease the pain. I really mean it, LOTS OF TIME. Yeah, I know, people will look me down, underestimate me, or even laugh at me saying that I'm a fool and I'm just a laughing stock. But, do they understand me? Do they feel me? As for you know, I didn't ask for it. Not even once. It is natural. It comes from deep inside my heart. I didn't force it at any sense at all. Before it happened, I was all aware and equip that I am sure I won't fall down again. But with Allah wills, and maybe it is one of the lessons for me to learn, I am falling down again up until now, I guess. I want to get up, rise and shine again. It just that it kills me whenever I want to. However, I am pretty sure that I blame anyone for nothing. It is all about me. I admit that I am the one who let it happens, thus, I am responsible for it at any cost. I have to be responsible and taking charge of it. If I want to be happy, I have to be one. I am recovering and hopefully that I will recover soon. Please pray hard for me.

"Takyah ubah, it's okay being you."

"Takpe la hana. I always call you when I have problems je kan. It's okay, I won't trouble you anymore."

How am I supposed to forget about you and all of these? I miss being there and be troubled by you. And, yes, I miss you. (My heart beats faster while I am typing this. tsk. tsk.)

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