Monday, July 25, 2016

Hati Manusia


Kadang kita lupa
Kadang kita leka
Siapa yang selalu ada
Yang di depan mata
Tak dihargai atau dipuji
Yang jauh juga tetap di hati
Hmm Manusia.

Sifatnya 
Tidak pernah sempurna
Sikapnya
Tidak pernah elok
Mahunya
Yang sungguh hebat
Seleranya 
Yang amat besar
Hmm Manusia.

Memang tidak pernah cukup.
Memang tidah pernah puas. 


On the other note:

Been away for a month. Been imagining myself to keep writing here but I did not. Blame me for that. I guess, I am too busy appreciating people and life that I have. Oh, It is not appreciating but rather learning to appreciate people. Something that we normally take it for granted. Sometimes I do feel like letting go. Sometimes I do feel like leaving an empty space. Sometimes I do feel like giving up. But, most of the times, I do feel that this is not the right thing to do. This is not what its supposed to be. This is not what its meant for me. And then, all the "what if's" questions pouring down all over the place. What if, this is my last day? What if, this is their last day? What if, I have not expressed my gratitude? What if, they do not know my feeling? What if, they do not know that I love them? What if, they do not know how I am grateful to have them in my life? What if? What if? And there are more of it. 

I feel suffocated.
Have I done my best?

But what about me? My self and my heart?
I am okay. I am mending it, collecting pieces of it. To make it complete.
By having, 
By making,
By being,
By trying,
-- my best.  


On the other, other note:

Yang selalu ada, 
di setiap sisi, 
di setiap rasa, 
di setiap ruang 
dan peluang,
tak perlu dilakar nama,
tak perlu dihebah dunia,
cukup mereka tahu
I am grateful
to have you.

Terima kasih. Moga sentiasa dirahmati dan dikasihi.



.Shah Alam sedang dibasahi hujan, mujur hati tidak tempias basah. 24Julai2016. 0235am. 

Wednesday, June 22, 2016

Perception

Perception is something unique. As we are all different from one another, our perceptions are similarly different for everyone. It is based on how we view our world. Sometimes, the way we perceive things determine on how we tackle our situation. For example, when there are two people in a similar situation, both of them might tackle the situation differently. Their schemata, values or even experience will influence their choices in dealing with it.

For some, one particular thing might look easy or common sense but, some others, it might be the hardest issue they need to face with. It is unfair to generalize all to have the same thought as ours. It is because we do not have the same capability to begin with. In my case for example, I value my family just like how other people value theirs. For me, my family includes the extended ones. It does not revolve around my nuclear family only. I would do extra miles for the rest of my family members just the way I would treat my own family. However, for some, they value family as only their nuclear family. And I can assure that nothing is wrong with it. It is because we are still focusing on the same basic which is family. It is just that my view on it is quite bigger compared to the others. Yet, I definitely cannot impose the values that I hold to the others because its their own choice.

As I said to my dear friend that we cannot read minds and we perceive things differently. These two combo surely affect our daily life in so many ways. You know when there is misunderstanding, mostly it is because of perception. One party will think that the other side is wrong, the other party will think the same as well. This might lead to bigger issue if none of them took the effort to settle the issue. I had experienced this situation with my own best friend. For me, she was being too dramatic and selfish. And, from her side, she thought that I have changed and started to leave her. So both of us perceived things differently and emotionally.We were avoiding each other to the extent it affected the precious years of friendship. Lucky us, that another best friend came and advised us to talk it out. So we met and confronted the issue just to realize that it was just a mere misunderstanding. So, the case solved. Alhamdulillah. But there are unsolved cases definitely. These kind of cases might involve deeper issue, trust or feelings. It takes times to settle it. And I believe that time heals all wound. So just be patience and have faith. hehe.

Back to perceptions. I always think that it is interesting on how people view things. One particular thing might have 100 perceptions from 100 different individuals. And it is fascinating to look at how people approach things based on their perceptions. I like it and as I am in the process of learning life lessons from someone, I do think that dissimilarity makes us unique entities. It colours our life or else we are going to have a mundane type of life. And again, I like it that I have a sparring partner to talk about these deep issues and conversations. Though I have to be extra careful as the sparring partner is definitely an intelligent person that I normally lost words and thoughts. haha.

Till then.


Sunday, June 19, 2016

Rindu

Suatu perasaan yang begitu subjektif.
Tiada satu penjelasan yang mampu merungkai erti perasaan yang sebenar.
Betapa uniknya rasa bilamana rindu itu bertandang.
Dan pada setiap satu yang dirindui, rasa itu berbeza-beza.
Jika boleh dikelaskan, maka akan nampak beberapa tingkat rasa rindu itu.
Rindu pada pencipta paling agung rasanya.
Rindu pada yang hilang ada kesakitan yang tiada gambaran.
Rindu pada keluarga, teruja itu ada.
Rindu pada kawan-kawan terselit rasa bersalah sering dibebankan.
Rindu pada anak-anak murid, masa depan meraka yang ditaruhkan.
Rindu pada seseorang atau sesuatu yang tidak pasti dan belum tentu dimiliki lebih jauh rasa pedihnya.
Rindukan kedamaian dan ketenangan hati.
Rindu sesuatu yang pasti.
Rasa rindu itu sesuatu yang unik. Sekurangnya, hati ini masih mampu merindui.
Maksudnya hati ini belum mati dan pergi.


Tuesday, June 14, 2016

Just You


These are some of my lessons that I shared today. I did not plan any of it. But these are my reflections on the activity that we did together. Some of it, I can tell that, my concern for them.

I told them:

We are all unique.
Even our thumbprints are not identical 
with one another.
So I said to them
It is okay to be different.
It is okay to take the road not taken.
It is okay to be unique.
It is okay to be just you.
You don’t have to be like the others.

And it is okay not to belong. 
Be brave and venture the world.
And don’t settle for less.

***

I really hope they can remember some of it. 
Live their life to the max and enjoy it while they still can.


Saturday, June 11, 2016

Acceptance

Life has been beautiful though there are ups and downs. It makes me wiser in facing the ever challenging life I guess. For that, I am forever grateful. Alhamdulillah. I would be lying if I considered myself unlucky to be given the opportunities that I have been living with up till today. I may not be the strong me that I used to be, but being fragile does not make me less me. Maybe being strong is too tiring to live in. Maybe I was not that strong that I used to think. Maybe being strong makes me forget who I am. Maybe being strong makes me more fragile. Maybe being strong is not for me anymore. There are lots of maybe(s) if I want to list it down here. But, I am not saying that I am too vulnerable that people might tear me up into pieces.

Been living in a cocoon, I normally keep myself to me. I choose people with whom I think I am comfortable with to share my personal life. I choose people to tell stories. I choose people to share the happiness or sadness or even problems. I might look easy. I might be telling people lots of things about me, but there are lots more of it that I have been hiding it underneath. Thus, it makes me having only few friends, I am a loner anyway. I guess I am over protective of myself from getting hurt. So when one of my students opened up and told the whole class that she is a 'shell', I sort of understand her condition. She told us that she has trust issues and she was under depression before this. Being in that kind of situation is not easy. You get hurt easily. You are broken inside out. I know that she tried so hard not to cry while telling her stories as I was doing the same for her. I would really want to hug and tell her that it is okay to be sad, it is okay to cry and it does not make you less of a person. But, I restrained myself so that I can leave the class with a good and cheerful atmosphere. So that she can have a piece of joy whenever she remembers that moment of truth. So that the other classmates would not look at her with pity. So that, she would not have reasons to regret her decision to open up. 

I am so proud when she told us that she has been accepting her fate. She said that there are no points living in sad memories. Agreed and I told her that time heals all wounds. I would admit that I was actually soothing myself at the same time. She is stronger than me. Wiser definitely I would say. For me to reach the acceptance stage would take forever. As before this, I have lost one prominent figure in my life. To be able to admit it takes me years and years. I even not telling the truth whenever it comes to that one particular question. Not lying but I would not answer it or divert it to the other directions. During the first few stages, I was still in denial that I imagined myself not losing that person yet. I would believe that that important figure is still with me somewhere. I did not admit it to people. I did not change my address. I would do anything I could to remain as it is. And I keep bottling it up and act strong. 

But, today. I would never imagined that I actually asked my favourite people to recite Al-fatihah to my beloved important figure in my life. It has been 12 years. 12 years I tell you I have been living myself avoiding this matter. I did ask my best friend before asking them to do so. I asked her did I look weak if I were to ask the other friends to recite dua. She said, No. And still, I delayed the process until I felt ready to ask. Acceptance. I guess this is finally the time I would really let it go. It does not mean that I am going to forget it but to open my heart that this is part and parcel of our indefinite life. I have been missing you Ayah for the past 12 years. And I miss you, still. Eternally. May Allah forgive you and place your soul among the righteous in the Hereafter. Al-fatihah.


The first and the last colour-themed raya as requested by Ayah. 



Saturday, June 4, 2016

Hati-hati dengan Hati

Hati.
Suatu yang sangat subjektif, sukar untuk di interpretasi.
Kadang kita rasa seperti kita sudah kuasai hati sendiri tetapi, sebenarnya banyak lagi yang kita belum fasih.
Akan ada sahaja benda baharu yang kita singkap setiap kali kita berdepan dengan persoalan hati.
Setiap satu itu, pasti akan memberi kesan dan impak yang berbeza.
Mungkin bagi kita, kita sudah cukup bersedia, kita sudah mahir dan berpengalaman.
Namun hakikatnya, kita ini lemah.
Segala jenis persediaan mahupun kekuatan akan perlahan hilang bilamana masalah hati datang bertandang.

I think I have written something about "Hati-hati dengan Hati" some times ago.
So, this time around, more or less the same.
It just that, this time I tweeted these 'luahan hati' but then I deleted it due to personal reasons.
Then again, I think I need to put it here as my own compilation as for future reference.
Who knows I might need these kinds of pep talk in the near future.
So here it goes...

***
Hati-hati dengan hati.
Sakit hati, susah hati, patah hati.
Jatuh hati lagi kene hati-hati.

Sebab ikut hati, mati.
Jadi jangan suka hati.

***
Hati-hati dengan hati.
Kau susah hati.
Kau fikir bagai nak mati.
Kau jugak yang penat nanti.

Lagi tambah sakit hati.

***
Hati-hati dengan hati.
Buat baik kau di salah erti.
Buat jahat kau di benci.
Sudahnya kau sendiri.
Pergi jauh bawa diri.

***
Hati-hati dengan hati.
Kau jaga rapi, takut patah hati.
Tapi kau lupa diri.
Bila sakit, kau tanggung sendiri.

***
Hati-hati dengan hati.
Niat yang baik boleh di salah erti.
Walau kau cuba perbaiki.
Usaha itu ini.
Tapi tetap tiada siapa memahami.

***
Hati-hati dengan hati.
Silap langkah kau nanti,
Bawa musibah pada diri.
Kau tak tahu mana nak pergi,
Meratap lagi kau sendiri.

***
Hati-hati dengan hati.
Kalau kau sayang diri,
Kene pandai jaga hati.
Supaya kau tak kecewa lagi.

***
Hati-hati dengan hati.
Kau jangan susah hati,
Tanggung masalah sendiri,
Okay la tu nanti, baru la kau happy.

***
Hati-hati dengan hati.
Niat kau ikhlas dan suci,
Kau tahu batas diri,
Juga tak lupa diri,
Moga tak di salah erti,
Kalau tak, susah la kau nanti.

***
Hati-hati dengan hati.
Kau dan masalah hati memang sudah sebati.
Sampai bila nak macam ni,
Pendam sendiri, pretend to be happy.

***
Hati-hati dengan hati.
Kau sabar ya wahai hati.
Okay la tu nanti, it takes time maybe.
Sampai masa kau pergi,
Make sure you are ready.

***
Hati-hati dengan hati.
Jangan takut patah hati.
Kau sakit cuba lagi.
Sampai kau puas hati.
Jumpa apa yang dihajati.
Cos you are strong already.

***
Hati-hati dengan hati.
Kalau kau paksa takkan jadi.
Biar dia datang sendiri.
Tersemat dalam hati.
Terlukis di sanubari, rasa yang hakiki.

***

On a personal note, I am blessed and grateful to be surrounded by wonderful souls at the moment. I love them all.  As someone said to me that the tendency to love many people at a time and too soon might harm me in many possible ways. Been there, done that. But me being me, though it hurts I cannot avoid it. I appreciate people just the way they are. I might go extra miles and do whatever it takes for them. If one day, I am hurt I will mend my own heart. Because for me, I will be happy when I know they are happy. 
So dear heart, keep strong! I need you, still. 




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