Monday, October 3, 2016

I Need You

I need you but I am a burden.

Have you ever thought something like this? To which you're afraid to be involved because you are a burden. Sometimes its not even getting involve, but you are afraid to even get close to someone. Just because you think you might burden them with your life, your problem, your stuff or just yourself. But you need them. You know you need them.

But, because of your insecurities, your tendency to run away is at its peak. You become too conscious and overthink, you are timid and coward to express your true feelings. You are afraid they might misunderstand you and your intention to which you are worried they run away from you because you know you really need them.

You need them and you are terrified of losing them. Because you know if its happened, its going to shatter you into million pieces like how it used to be. You are scared your wound would bleed again and again. Hence you end up to live inside your own coccoon just because you think it is going to be okay as long as you run away. Because you think it would not hurt you. Because you think you can be prepared with your own definition of armour.

But, deep down there, somewhere inside you, you know are lying to yourself. You know you are being selfish by as you consider it as protecting yourself. Just because of your insecurities, you keep your feelings. You think you hide it well enough when its too obvious because when you start to care, you know you would give hundred and ten. And here comes the part when you would give it all out, then you take it back. The process of give and take continues. The indecisive you. And this might confuse them to which you might hurt them unintentionally.

Though sometimes you feel tired when those you cared for simply don't notice it. Or maybe they don't have the mutual feelings like you. Or they don't see you as someone worth to care. Or they don't think you fit in their frame of life. At the end of the day, you know that you would still give your hundred and ten. It hurts you but because you have a lot to give, maybe you don't mind of giving it all.

But dear self,
This is from your own perspective. You may think people don't care about you. But, who knows maybe they care and its you who does not notice nor realize it. Because each of us has different kind of ways to show concern. There are some people who do not even know how to express their feelings. Verbally or even via actions. So maybe, just embrace whatever is served on your plate. If you are being too picky, you would not know the taste of those colourful things life could offer. And maybe, you should not be afraid to show or to express your feelings. If they are okay, you would not lose anything. But if they do not feel the same, maybe it hurts you to the core - being ignored, puzzled. But at least you have tried. Life is too short to not utilize it.

So, dear you,
I need you but (I know) I am a burden. Hence the insecurities.

Yours truly,
The Wrecked Me.

p.s. This post is due to few incidents happened in my life recently that triggered the wrecked me to reflect on the insecurities.

p.s.s. Someone asked me do I have someone that I really like to which I answered I am afraid even to like so I keep it and just be the "pemuja dari jauh".

p.s.s.s. the incoherent thoughts in this, reflects the incoherent of me and myself.

Salam Maal Hijrah
Shah Alam.

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