Acceptance

Life has been beautiful though there are ups and downs. It makes me wiser in facing the ever challenging life I guess. For that, I am forever grateful. Alhamdulillah. I would be lying if I considered myself unlucky to be given the opportunities that I have been living with up till today. I may not be the strong me that I used to be, but being fragile does not make me less me. Maybe being strong is too tiring to live in. Maybe I was not that strong that I used to think. Maybe being strong makes me forget who I am. Maybe being strong makes me more fragile. Maybe being strong is not for me anymore. There are lots of maybe(s) if I want to list it down here. But, I am not saying that I am too vulnerable that people might tear me up into pieces.

Been living in a cocoon, I normally keep myself to me. I choose people with whom I think I am comfortable with to share my personal life. I choose people to tell stories. I choose people to share the happiness or sadness or even problems. I might look easy. I might be telling people lots of things about me, but there are lots more of it that I have been hiding it underneath. Thus, it makes me having only few friends, I am a loner anyway. I guess I am over protective of myself from getting hurt. So when one of my students opened up and told the whole class that she is a 'shell', I sort of understand her condition. She told us that she has trust issues and she was under depression before this. Being in that kind of situation is not easy. You get hurt easily. You are broken inside out. I know that she tried so hard not to cry while telling her stories as I was doing the same for her. I would really want to hug and tell her that it is okay to be sad, it is okay to cry and it does not make you less of a person. But, I restrained myself so that I can leave the class with a good and cheerful atmosphere. So that she can have a piece of joy whenever she remembers that moment of truth. So that the other classmates would not look at her with pity. So that, she would not have reasons to regret her decision to open up. 

I am so proud when she told us that she has been accepting her fate. She said that there are no points living in sad memories. Agreed and I told her that time heals all wounds. I would admit that I was actually soothing myself at the same time. She is stronger than me. Wiser definitely I would say. For me to reach the acceptance stage would take forever. As before this, I have lost one prominent figure in my life. To be able to admit it takes me years and years. I even not telling the truth whenever it comes to that one particular question. Not lying but I would not answer it or divert it to the other directions. During the first few stages, I was still in denial that I imagined myself not losing that person yet. I would believe that that important figure is still with me somewhere. I did not admit it to people. I did not change my address. I would do anything I could to remain as it is. And I keep bottling it up and act strong. 

But, today. I would never imagined that I actually asked my favourite people to recite Al-fatihah to my beloved important figure in my life. It has been 12 years. 12 years I tell you I have been living myself avoiding this matter. I did ask my best friend before asking them to do so. I asked her did I look weak if I were to ask the other friends to recite dua. She said, No. And still, I delayed the process until I felt ready to ask. Acceptance. I guess this is finally the time I would really let it go. It does not mean that I am going to forget it but to open my heart that this is part and parcel of our indefinite life. I have been missing you Ayah for the past 12 years. And I miss you, still. Eternally. May Allah forgive you and place your soul among the righteous in the Hereafter. Al-fatihah.

The first and the last colour-themed raya as requested by Ayah.