Monolog #1

Ego tinggi melangit dan kau rasa kuat macam badang. Semua pun boleh. Semua pun okay. Kau langgar segala macam pantang. Kau buat semua ikut rasa hati. Sebab kau tak mahu dilihat lemah. Kau tak mahu menyusahkan. Dan kau tak mahu ditinggalkan. Ha! Itu yang paling kau takutkan. Ditinggalkan dan dibiarkan keseorangan. Tiada teman. Tiada kawan.

Tapi sayang semua itu hanya perasaan. Bilamana kau mula tewas, segala ego dan kekuatan tadi jatuh menjunam. Ibarat air hujan yang turun membasahi bumi, begitulah juga segala ego dan kekuatan kau. Gugur satu persatu. Berderai. Nah, sekarang mana perginya kau yang gagah perkasa? Kau akhirnya terduduk terjelepok menyembah bumi. Kau gagal. Kau kalah dalam menahan rasa. Kau menyerah diri walau sekuat mana kau cuba bertahan. Jasad kau tewas dalam perjuangan minda kau sendiri.

Ya pasti kau semua akan tanya di mana tuhanmu? Dia ada sentiasa. Mana pernah tinggalkan kau sendiri. Maka kau akan kata, memang betul tuhan ada disetiap helaan nafas kau. Dan kau tak pernah menafikan. Tapi kerana hakikat yang kau manusia lemah. Kau lemah kerana kau masih memerlukan seseorang yang fizikal berada berhampiran. Menjadi peneman yang kau katakan kau kesunyian. Kasihan. Betul-betul kasihan.

Ha! Apa lagi yang kau tunggu? Bangun! Cepat bangun! Ambillah masa tapi jangan terlalu lama. Jangan biar dilihat dunia siapa diri kau yang sebenar. Jangan biar mereka lihat sisi kau yang sadis ini. Biarkan mereka lihat kau kuat seperti selalu. Biarkan mereka terus biasa dengan idea yang kau sentiasa menggembirakan mereka. Jangan pernah hilang untuk mereka. Dan kau tahu kau mampu. Lekas bangkit semula!

Bangkit dan moga kau terus tabah!

Rindu

Suatu perasaan yang begitu subjektif.
Tiada satu penjelasan yang mampu merungkai erti perasaan yang sebenar.
Betapa uniknya rasa bilamana rindu itu bertandang.
Dan pada setiap satu yang dirindui, rasa itu berbeza-beza.
Jika boleh dikelaskan, maka akan nampak beberapa tingkat rasa rindu itu.
Rindu pada pencipta paling agung rasanya.
Rindu pada yang hilang ada kesakitan yang tiada gambaran.
Rindu pada keluarga, teruja itu ada.
Rindu pada kawan-kawan terselit rasa bersalah sering dibebankan.
Rindu pada anak-anak murid, masa depan meraka yang ditaruhkan.
Rindu pada seseorang atau sesuatu yang tidak pasti dan belum tentu dimiliki lebih jauh rasa pedihnya.
Rindukan kedamaian dan ketenangan hati.
Rindu sesuatu yang pasti.
Rasa rindu itu sesuatu yang unik. Sekurangnya, hati ini masih mampu merindui.
Maksudnya hati ini belum mati dan pergi.

Acceptance

Life has been beautiful though there are ups and downs. It makes me wiser in facing the ever challenging life I guess. For that, I am forever grateful. Alhamdulillah. I would be lying if I considered myself unlucky to be given the opportunities that I have been living with up till today. I may not be the strong me that I used to be, but being fragile does not make me less me. Maybe being strong is too tiring to live in. Maybe I was not that strong that I used to think. Maybe being strong makes me forget who I am. Maybe being strong makes me more fragile. Maybe being strong is not for me anymore. There are lots of maybe(s) if I want to list it down here. But, I am not saying that I am too vulnerable that people might tear me up into pieces.

Been living in a cocoon, I normally keep myself to me. I choose people with whom I think I am comfortable with to share my personal life. I choose people to tell stories. I choose people to share the happiness or sadness or even problems. I might look easy. I might be telling people lots of things about me, but there are lots more of it that I have been hiding it underneath. Thus, it makes me having only few friends, I am a loner anyway. I guess I am over protective of myself from getting hurt. So when one of my students opened up and told the whole class that she is a 'shell', I sort of understand her condition. She told us that she has trust issues and she was under depression before this. Being in that kind of situation is not easy. You get hurt easily. You are broken inside out. I know that she tried so hard not to cry while telling her stories as I was doing the same for her. I would really want to hug and tell her that it is okay to be sad, it is okay to cry and it does not make you less of a person. But, I restrained myself so that I can leave the class with a good and cheerful atmosphere. So that she can have a piece of joy whenever she remembers that moment of truth. So that the other classmates would not look at her with pity. So that, she would not have reasons to regret her decision to open up. 

I am so proud when she told us that she has been accepting her fate. She said that there are no points living in sad memories. Agreed and I told her that time heals all wounds. I would admit that I was actually soothing myself at the same time. She is stronger than me. Wiser definitely I would say. For me to reach the acceptance stage would take forever. As before this, I have lost one prominent figure in my life. To be able to admit it takes me years and years. I even not telling the truth whenever it comes to that one particular question. Not lying but I would not answer it or divert it to the other directions. During the first few stages, I was still in denial that I imagined myself not losing that person yet. I would believe that that important figure is still with me somewhere. I did not admit it to people. I did not change my address. I would do anything I could to remain as it is. And I keep bottling it up and act strong. 

But, today. I would never imagined that I actually asked my favourite people to recite Al-fatihah to my beloved important figure in my life. It has been 12 years. 12 years I tell you I have been living myself avoiding this matter. I did ask my best friend before asking them to do so. I asked her did I look weak if I were to ask the other friends to recite dua. She said, No. And still, I delayed the process until I felt ready to ask. Acceptance. I guess this is finally the time I would really let it go. It does not mean that I am going to forget it but to open my heart that this is part and parcel of our indefinite life. I have been missing you Ayah for the past 12 years. And I miss you, still. Eternally. May Allah forgive you and place your soul among the righteous in the Hereafter. Al-fatihah.

The first and the last colour-themed raya as requested by Ayah. 

Demi Masa

Time flies!!! Its already the last day of January. So how's 2013 been treating you? 

Let's make reflections upon whatever we have done or completed in the first month. Would it be enough or more effort should be put into making dreams come true? Any resolutions achieved so far in the very first month of 2013?

"Demi masa sesungguhnya kita berada dalam kerugian kecuali orang-orang yang beriman dan mengerjakan kebajikan serta saling menasihati dengan kesabaran."

Half deaf

I am currently on MC. Not feeling well and on top of that a pile of assignments (and late due) waiting to be done. Do not have the courage to sit and do those monsters yet. Or I am going to be depressed and stressed again. Oh great! due to stress, I am having high fever at the moment. And on Monday I had this kind of shivering and shaking all over me. I had to rush to the kitchen and made myself a cup of hot milo.

While I prepared my drink, I had to quickly eat anything I could reach near me. I ate some breads, biscuits and raw milo as well. Luckily after I consumed those food and drink. my body reacted as normal and under control. No more shivering or shaking. However, I noticed that something is not right with my left ear. It feels like I am at higher place like mountains or hills. I feel like something is covering or stopping my hearing. Or there is something that clog my ear. Thus I tried to clean my ear with cotton bud but nothing could be found as I will always make sure my ears clean.

So I decided to wait and and let it for one day but nothing's changed so, again, yesterday I went to my panel clinic as I am afraid that thus is the effect of the meds that I had from the other clinic I had for my fever. After the doctor took a look at my ear condition, she told me that my left inner ear  is too red and there's inflammation. She told me that it's kinda VERTIGO and that's why I suffered form dizziness and pain around my head and eyes. The friendly doctor also told me that it takes almost two weeks for me to get my hearing back. And as for the mean time I am not allowed to clean my ear.

So currently I am half deaf due to that sickness. And next week is going to be the start of new semester, isn't that greatttt!!! Homaiiiii!!!!!

By the way, please pray for my health and thanks in advance y'alls.

Kopak Pintu

Alkisah hari ini, tadi menumpang bilik ofis seorang kawan namanya Kak Ima sebab kononnya nak fokus buat research dan senang nak tanya-tanya la konon. Maka balik dari breakfast, terus laju menuju ke bilik Kak Ima. Kebetulan Kak Ima ada meeting, jadi ditinggalkan kunci biliknya di dalam bilik takut saya perlu keluar ke mana-mana. Tiba-tiba perut memulas dan dengan pantas dan efisien berlari anak ke tandas. Kunci Kak Ima di bawa bersama. Nak dijadikan cerita, balik dari tandas dengan semangat nak buat research, terus masukan anak kunci dalam tombol pintu dan pulas.

"Eh kenapa senang sangat ni"

Tup tup rupanya anak kunci tu patah dan tertinggal di dalam tombol pintu. Patutlah senang sangat nak pulas. Tahniah la kan sebab segala barang termasuk laptop, buku, handphones, air, handbag semua dalam bilik Kak Ima. Terus gelabah ayam dan berlari ke bilik sendiri di tingkat atas. Menelefon teman sebelah bilik untuk meminta bantuan bukak pintu guna kad. Tapi dah try banyak kali sampai give up terus telefon fasiliti.

Boleh tak boleh technician tu gelak je bila dengar aduan. Ish! Malu okay. Dah la suara pun ketar-ketar takut kene marah dengan Kak Ima. Huhu. Tunggu punya tunggu sampai ramai betul kat depan bilik macam pesta dekat 30minit tak sampai sampai lagi. Kene call 3 kali baru terpacak muncul technician depan bilik. Memang research ke laut la kan. 

Ni la dia kunci yang patah tu. Kunci tu nampak memang macam dah usang kan? worn out sangat. Sebab tu la patah (defensive konon bukan salah sendiri..hehe)

Okay namppak tak sebahagian lagi kunci yang tertinggal dalam tombol pintu tu?? huhuhu

yeay!!! Mr. My-Saviour-Technician  akhirnya muncul dan menyelamatkan keadaan.

Okay! Ni lah hasilnya tombol pintu yang telah dikopak. Lama jugak nak buat ni. Kesian berpeluh-peluh  Mr. My-Saviour-Technician.

Taaaddaaaa!!! Inilah hasilnya setelah hampir setengah jam berhempas pulas. Dapat tombol pintu baru yang handsome bergaya plus satu set anak kunci baru yang bergemerlapan woot woot!

Penuh adventure betul pengalaman hari ni. Dalam pukul 12 tengahari baru dapat masuk bilik dah mula mengadap research yang terbengkalai tadi (kononnya la.) haha. By the way, ni sebenarnya pengalaman kali kedua anak kunci patah masa buka pintu. Yang first time dulu masa kat rumah my sis Mya di Shah Alam. Masa tu tengah sedap nyanyi lagu dangdut Selangit selangittt selangiiitttttttt~ pak patah kunci huhuhu..

Anyway, Alhamdulillah semua selamat dan kak Ima tak mengamuk walaupun dah senseng lengan baju jugak la tadi.. hehe

What's worth it.. Laid back weekend and Real Steel..

Salam,

See, I have been telling you guys that I am suffering from severe stress at the moment. I have been working and using a whole lot of my energy for the past few weeks non-stop. I slept late at nights thus it makes my body aches particularly in each part.

Since I am working in Kedah which its weekend falls on Friday and Saturday, I have spent a pretty good time for myself for the past two days. ALONE. hehe.. My body refused to do anySINGLEthing the whole weekend that I just can laid down and watch TV programmes the whole Friday. I was very lazy to go out. Thus I cooked a very simple dish for my lunch and dinner. I feel healthy!.haha

This is for my lunch. Orange Juice, Chicken-Mushroom Soup, Wholemeal Bread and Chicken Nuggets.

As for dinner, I had Chicken Porridge and Orange Juice

I was thinking to continue my work on Saturday evening since I have a ceremony for postgrad students to be attended in the morning. But then I just do not know what happened to me that suddenly my feet dragged to the Sunway Carnival. Weehooo! Finally I stepped my foot there and having my long-lost chicken soy sauce springy noodle from Noddle Station. I miss yuhhh nudel!!!

By the way, this picture was taken long long loooonnnggg time ago at Noodle Station SACC Mall, the place where my beloved sister, Mya Akmal, and I love to 'lepaks'.

Blame me, I know because supposedly I have to heading back home, unfortunately I spent (a lot of) time there. I decided to watch a movie which I long to watch. It's Real Steel. Big Applause pleaseee!!!! The movie is about robots boxing. The robots box instead of human as boxing has gone high tech. It has been a phenomenon to watch them box and cheer them up for more aggressive and destructive fights! I love this movie and I do not care if there are lots of bad reviews about this movie. As for me, it was very entertaining yet emotionally touched. It was good to see how the long lost father-son relationship develops. Family relationship is wonderful and the love is priceless. I almost shed a tear or did I? hehe.. Please go and watch then you can review or critic or what so ever. Sorry if it is not your cup of tea. =)

                                                                                              source


Okay, so now I have to be responsible for all the things I have done and the pleasure I have been enjoying. I have to really work my lazy ass off for another couple of weeks. Lots of works/assignments/presentations/papers/events/loves to attend to..huhuhu..pray hard for myself. May Allah bless us all. Have a nice Sunday everyone!!!

Stress itu Seksa

Okay saya sedang sangat stress sampai jadi tak tahu nak buat ape. Bila banyak sangat benda nak kene handle, jadi sangat tertekan langsung mengakibat satu defence mechanism yang menolak semua kerja-kerja itu. Dalam hati tak ketahuan, dalam minda nak langsaikan semua tapi physically nya tak terbuat. Langsung membuat entri baru. Apakah??

Mohon agar semuanya dipercepatkan dan dipermudah. Everybody is pulling out from it. And I have to be focused to get over it soon. Permudahkanlah!!!

Sakit Bontot.

Bontot juga adalah sama maksud dengan punggung, punkoq serta ada lagi beberapa perkataan yang memberi maksud yang sama.

Okay ini bukan entri lucah. Sila cepat-cepat tutup tab kalau itu niat anda melangkah ke dalam entri ini. hehe. Harapan hanya akan tinggal harapan sahaja kerana apa yang anda cari tiada di sini. Maaf.

Tapi ini entri untuk distract diri buat beberapa ketika. hehe. Pernah tak korang rasa sakit bontot atau mungkin juga lenguh-lenguh sebab duduk terlalu lama. Okay jangan jadi bias. Bukan orang kurus je yang akan merasai perasaan ini tau! Orang yang gempal, bersaiz sederhana, chubby or berisi pun tidak lepas dari pengalaman ini. Betul, percaya lah!!!

Kalau rasa sakit/lenguh sebab terlalu lama duduk dan fokus buat kerja jadi mari kita bangun dan melakukan sedikit regangan. Let's Jom, Ayuhhh!!! Jangan duduk lama-lama sebab nanti peredaran darah tidak lancar dan akan menjadikan kita mengantuk dan malas. Maka jangan jadikan nasi lemak or apa-apa nasi sebab alasan okay. Dah! Dah! tak reti-reti ke nak bangunnnnnn!!!!!!

So bila bosan dan sakit bontot, maka inilah hasilnya. Capturing pictures time uols!!! Go get your camera and snap snap! By the way, ini adalah panorama dari dalam bilik ofisku sorgaku la sangat!..

Alang-alang kepalang cakap pasal bontot, mari kita sahut kempen WIR (Wear It Right): Say What? Cover the butt by Sue Anna Joe. This is the second campaign. The first one is WIR: Covering the chest is the best! Kedua-dua kempen ini sangat lah bertetapan dengan tuntutan sebagai seorang Muslimat. Mari cepat join kempen sama-sama!!

Apa tunggu lagi, cabar diri anda sekarang!!!


updated: beberapa ketika selepas gambar diambil, hujan lebat telah turun mencurah-curah membasahi bumi. Alhamdulillah, rahmat!

Bila Raksasa Lapar

Yesterday, I was very hungry on the way back from USM. So I was thinking on what I want to eat when suddenly the urge to eat home cooked meal came across me. Maybe because of too much intake of take away food forced me to cook my own meal. Since there are Giant and Tesco on my way back, I decided to 'pay a visit' to Giant Supermarket and bought some groceries. After spent SOME time there, I headed back and arrived at home around 9.30 p.m. Later, I had my dinner at 10.30pm accompanied by Shrek the Third on tv2. What a night for such beautiful and single lady like me. haha!

Voila! Satisfying Bihun Sup Ayam.

p.s: I feel old.

precious

Today I just knew about something.

Something which is so good.

Something which is too precious.

That broke my heart into pieces.

Irony.




Indeed.










So Toodles.

lesson learnt

It makes me think, hardly and deeply and thoroughly. And the thought makes me learn something that I just could not care before. I learnt that I should not depending on others anymore. I have to be such an independent woman. Even though all these while I thought that I am independent enough but boy I was wrong! There are certain points in my life that I have been relying on others so much. So, this is the time I need to wake up and stand on my own feet! Now, I know that when you put your belief and trust and love and hope wholeheartedly, it will just make your heart cut into pieces. The condition which hardly cured in a short while. I believe that I have only myself to love and trust and hope besides Him and family, obviously. Because I know that I have nobody other than the Merciful and my beloved family!



p.s: Oh! I am looking forward and very excited to be home. Ipoh, please be nice to me and wait for my homecoming!!!

p.s.s: Happy Mother's Day to my beloved Emak, aunties and all mothers out there. It would be good if Opah is still around. May you rest in peace!

Pain is gain?

Beauty is pain. 

But I will not put myself in pain just to be beautiful and at the same time deteriorating my health. 

Because I believe health is wealth.

"Allah beri kita beluncas untuk kita dapat rama-rama yang cantik"

Haven't posted anything for quite some time. It kills me as I have lotsa things to burst out. Misery. Happiness. Depression. Excitement. Boredom. What else? I have all those complete wholesome! It's life we are talking about where everything is not fair for certain people but fair for others. Again, it's life that worth living!

I think I want to share something here about Tsunami in Japan. Exactly a day before it happened, my friends and I have witnessed one of  the signs of it coming. Honestly if you asked me to think again about the coordinate or location which could not make sense, I do not have the answer. I do not know. Period. But, if you believe in His capability to do anything, kun faya kun, anything could be happened. That day, on the way to Penang which we used the Penang Bridge, we can see something different with the sea. It was not like usual. It was different. The sea water level was very high. There were lots of water waves. And the sky was creepy dark! To add some more, on the way back Kedah, it was raining cats and dogs that we had to drive slowly and carefully. Alhamdulillah we survived!

And, the next day i was shockingly shock to hear the news! MashaAllah, He gives us signs from time to time but we tend to ignore. We always consider it's nothing. But things happen for reasons aite? As for me and my friends, we are very lucky to think again that we are given the opportunities to witness one of the signs. It is very sad to watch the videos/clips about the Tsunami in Japan. Remind me back to those victims in Acheh years ago. Poor them to suffer this! Let's lend our hand by praying for their safety. May Allah bless us all.

On another note, I am very grateful to be given a bundle of lovely friends that I could not asked for more. Each and every of them has their own specialties that makes them so special. I love you all to bits! muah muah! But, this time I want to thank my loyal dear  punching bag! Thank you for always being there for me. Thank you for not letting me go.Thank you for believe in me. Thank you for listening to me. Thank you for talking to me. Thank you for lending me your hands. Thank you for being the best best friend. Thank you for the love. Thank you for the comfort words. Thank you for the support. Thank you for having such an annoying friend like me. Thank you for your willingness to be troubled by me, always! Thank you for everything! I have nothing to offer in return except that I will always pray for your happiness, success and safety. May Allah bless you my dear. I  love you so much that I do not know what to do if you are not around.  You must be shocked to hear me crying my heart out, sorry! Sorry! I was at my weakest point. But, insyaAllah I will get back on track soon. Believe me!

For the rest of the loveliest friends, worry not! My love towards you have not leveled down even a bit. I still love you more and more. May Allah bless us all. I am lucky to have each of you in my life. Alhamdulillah!



p.s. I will post lost of things that wandering in my mind later. Please bear with me.muahaha!

p.p.s. "Banyak nangis ni nanti mata bengkak nak jumpa students esok macam mane" (Punching Bag, 2011).   Thank you for the concern. You made me laugh!

p.p.p.s. Punching Bag, it will be just another two years to complete things that I have started. Later on, I can go there to be near with you as you wish. BUT then, at that time, you could have been away from me to start your new life. It's okay my dear, it's life we are talking about. The life worth living for! =)

akal dan hati.

Dua entiti yang sering bertelagah sesama sendiri. Hati berkeinginan tapi Akal menafikan. Seringkali Akal dan Hati tewas dalam perlawanan yang diciptakan oleh mereka sendiri. Ada masa Hati akan bersorak kemenangan dan Akal akan tewas penuh hormat. Namun ada masa pula Hati jatuh tersungkur dan Akal menghulurkan salam pertolongan. Dua entiti ini saling akrab dan tidak pernah meninggalkan satu dan yang lain.

Cuma manusia ini mudah lupa. Pengalaman yang harusnya dijadikan sempadan terus ditinggalkan tak dipeduli. Jenuh Akal mengingatkan, jenuh pula Hati memujuk. Namun semua itu ditutup tidak dipandang. Lantas kesakitan menerjah semula. Kalau ikut hati, mati kata Akal. Tapi Hati tak pernah mahu beralah.

Lantas merana lah diri menerima kesakitan demi kesakitan yang tidak pernah jemu datang bertandang. Kalau boleh dilihat dengan mata kasar, pasti sudah banyak lubang-lubang dan compang camping si Hati menanggung dan menyimpan rasa.

Pernah kehilangan 2 figura penting dan akan kehilangan figura penting sekali lagi. berat sungguh rasa.